LoOoOosT

What I am Supposed to do?

I have been questionin the whole thing for such a long time & Now I'm just tired

I don't know if I am right or wrong, Actually I couldn't care less now!!!

All I want is Peace of mind...

Everyone in this life faces alot of issues which makes him/her the person who is!!!

But this is way tougher & more complicated, messier & much more fucked up...

In addtion to all we have to face, we have to face with our emotions, double lifes

we have & GOD!!!

I have spent alot of time trying to be good, trying to change but I alway failed

and everytime I hated myself more & more for being a sinner & to think in this way

I have tried to change myself, pushin' what i feel deep down thinkin' some day

they are gonna vanshied but suprise suprise, They are not & now I'm a miserable guy

who knows nth about gay life...

Going out & meeting some great guy s was the most amazin' thing that could ever happen

to me, I know have some gay friends, but the problem is they are far away in this road, I just

can't jump, the gap is huge.

You have no idea how closed, miserable I was , well now I am out , miserable guy...

I just don't know what I am writin' I just feel like i belong to no where & no one is really

there to raise the hell of me up!!!

Message Received

I don't know how to start, so I guess I am gonna get into chase directly.

well , Recently I have been dating someone, we found each other through manjam, i liked his profile he has written an impressive introduction, his profile has no pictures , though

I got so attracted to know him more.

I sent him my email & the chat begins, we chatted alot to a point i felt like i know him & I am so into his mind, he seemed so amature & honest.

At some day he asked for a meeting & to those who doesn't know me very well , I am all new into this I mean dating thing , I was refusing being gay & it's a bit complicated & I am thinkin to start writin about it in future, but now back to the that guy ...

I didn't feel it's wrong , even he is in another town, the time we spent chattin, sms, calling each other ws too long & It seemed like I know this person we talked alot , we opened cams , he said he's into me , he txt me saying I miss u , he wanted a comtiment , anyway, when we met he invited me after the walk we did to his place, i said yes since the plan was to sleep in his place , I know what do you think guys, I swear to god that I have nth in mind, since we didnt talked about sex at all, when we got home we sit down , talked have some pepsi then , wait read the next two lines :

(just a note: I am not an angel but I didn't try the hard sex saving myself to my mate, so all I did was oral sex but a month ago i did it once with someone just to remove the tension ...)

he got closer to me,i didn't refuse since i was into him & i thought he is so... so we did it we did the whole thing & i was happy I am doing it with someone i do really like, there was some signs makes me feel uncomfortable but i ignored it just the idea I am with someone he said he loved me is great , I thought I am so paranoied but when the guy you are with doesn't kiss you, it's so clear, I was so an idiot to believe him & let him touch me...

It was so pathtic to let my messed feelings & low self-esteem conivenced me to do it even when i felt ,all what he want is to screw me...

anyways after that he told me that his friends are coming next day in the early mornin so he's so sorry , I couldn't sleep over that night, but next time it would be ok...

I was so shocked & tried as much as i could to act cool, I didn't want him to see me crying , so i put myself together & left thinking again not to be so paranoied ...

I sent him a sms to thank him for the good time we shared even it was not good for me , since he didn't kiss me or touch me , the only thing he did was the hard part, but I was like I wanna try to let him like me ...

from that day & i am tryin to call , chat or sms & i failed , till he unfriended me from his manjam account after he added me so finally I have got the message!!!

well after that I got down & depressed thinking what's wrong i had done to be treated this way & i found nothing not because I am an angel but i really was so honest with him but he lied & dumped me like nth...

Anyway please be careful guys & dont be fooled by sweet words , there is alot of assholes out there...

Is it suppose to b this hard?

hey guys,

Wish everything is good with you :)

recently i have started datin , which is by the way the most difficult thing i have ever done!!!

It's so complicated & tough, not easy for me & I don't think it would be ever, it's so different when u r talkin to someone through msn , manjam, phone or what ever than meeting him in person,

the fact that you dont know this person & having no clue what might annoy,diturb or freak him out, that fear ties you & surronds you in a very narrow corner & makes you uncomfortable.

Well , right now I am in a mess & the road is not so clear but I am already there & no coming back is allowed but it's the hope that makes me keep going , yes I do believe there is someone I will share with him my life to come, someone will hold my hand , give me a goodnight kiss & someone around him the bEst of me is coming out , someone I will put his needs before mine, someone I will look in his eyes & see Myself there.

No matter how much time it will take , it's gonna happen when it's meant to be, I know I will be down sometimes & already I am since it's so hard , but it's possible ;)

I do no judgments to those who do causal fun , but I don't feel that way, call me a hopless romantic guy, but that's me & I would never change this side of me.

I enjoy simple things like a hug , rose , smile , soft unexpected kiss, these things are too important to me ... but what if I was just asking too much?

please guys tell me what do you think, honestly?!!!

Well , sorry for being late :)

Well, I have to admit it. I am changing … I am in the way of getting outside the box & knowing the real world, there is a lot of beauty to enjoy, yet you can’t recognize it until you see the bad view

I’m freaked but frankly I can’t take a step back & to be honest with myself , If I could I wouldn’t !!!

Okay I’m not totally comfortable with the me inside & I won’t never but that won’t hold me back since I finally realized that the problems I faced in the past & being weak has nothing to do with begin GAy

I have convinced myself that’s I could move mountains & walk on stormy seas just If I am straight

Well, I finally after years from being silly & naïve I faced every single fear deep inside & met the first gay he has the same role that I have so I hadn’t to deal with fear of being rapped!!! I really wondered if there are such a guy like him in the world , he is so Gentle , caring , humble , funny … confident and Angel…

He bought coffee & then drove his car , pulled it out in the side of the road & start talking, Well he did the most of talking part & most I did was listening , being shy is one reason why I was on the silent mode most of the time but the real reason is I really have nothing to talk about, my life revolves about my family & god which is not the right subject to talk about when you met someone for the first time!!!

Well, there was a guy-different one-, those who I classified them as out of my scope but he was interested in meeting I tried to delay it & seeking any excuse just not to meet, since I knew from the first time we chatted that’s I had no chance , but I did it anyway, well he called me saying that he has like an hour in his busy schedule I didn’t mind meeting him, I went to where we was supposed to meet, sitting there looking at the people around me & my heart’s beatings was like it’s going to explode he showed up late about 30 minutes and thanks god for that! I was boring like usual has nothing to say like always the date Ended up in like 20 minutes, the real problem I have with him, that he was 24/7 online on his msn but not anymore!!! It would be hurt if he told me that if we didn’t match he would do so but what I can’t understand is telling people that even the physical attraction didn’t work, I would love to be your friend!!! Don’t do tell people that until you mean the fuck of it, for the sake of your humanity!!!

Well the last of my semi-dates J , I was chatting with the smartest guy ever, he charmed me with his voice & his way of thinking & that confident he has Wooooow me way more than I could imagine, anyway he called me to see each other, it was a bit late & he said if its late we can arranged it another day & I hope that I said yes , it’s too late. I would have the Possibility that he might like me, but unfortunately he didn’t! I can’t fool myself I had a crush on him, not physically because he’s not my type but there was something in him that would charm anyone, his aura is incredible!

Well, that’s a summary of my first attempts to enter the dating world but it didn’t seem that it worked very well & honestly it hurts me & making me wonder will it work someday or that gut deep inside which keep telling me you can’t do it, would be right?

Find nothing to say but this song!!!

Desperate, desperateYou're reaching out

And no one hears you cry

You're freaking out again

'Cause all your fears

Remind you

another dream has come undone

You feel so small and lost like you're the only one

You wanna scream 'cause you're

Desperate

You want somebody, just anybody To lay their hands on your soul tonight

You want a reason to keep believin'

That someday you're gonna see the light

You're in the dark

There's no one left to call

And sleep's your only friend but even sleep Can't hide you from all those tears

And all the pain and all the days You wasted pushin' them awayIt's your life, it's time you face it You want somebody, just anybodyTo lay their hands to your soul tonight

You want a reason to keep believin'

That someday you're gonna see the light

'Cause you're desperate; desperate 'Cause you're desperate;

and now You know that things have gotta change You can't go back you'll find your way And day by day You start to come alive

You want somebody, just anybody To bring some peace on your soul tonight

You want a reason to keep believin'

That someday you're gonna see the lightYou want somebody, just anybody

To lay their hands on your soul tonight

You want a reason to keep believin'

That someday you're gonna see the light'Cause you're desperate, desperate'Cause you're desperate, tonight Oh desperate, so desperate Tonight, tonight Desperate, desperate ....

بلا عنوان

جد ما عرفت اختار عنوان لانو اصلا مش عارف عنو شو بدي اكتب
بس جد اني مقهور كتير و مش عارف اعبرر عن اللي جواتي يعني الشعور بالعجز و الاهانة كان لاقصى درجة كالعادة
ما عمري اتفقت انا و اخواني لانو ببساطة تفكيري غير عن تفكيرهم و زمان كنت اتضايق كتير بس هلا عم طنش اكتر بس مرات بتكبر براسي وما بقدر اطنش لانو جد شي بمغص :(
يعني لما اخوك الزغير يعلق ع حكيك و انك مش زلمة و يصير يعيرك انو بدوش يفضحك و خلي الواحد ساكت جد استفزني لابعد درجات الاستفزاز صرت احكي اتفضل احكي يلا انا بدي اعرف يا محترم
ما شفتو الا و هو ادامي و بمد ايدوا علي جد انكسرت كرامتي و اول مرة بشعر بالاهانة و الاحتقار لهاي الدرجة انو اخوي الاصغر مني بعيرني و بضربني و انا بس بفكر كيف اتجرا و مد ايدوا علي ؟ انا مش اخو انا ما بقرب الو؟؟؟؟؟؟؟؟؟؟؟؟؟ انا شو بالنسبة لهاي العيلة انا مين بالنسبة الهم؟؟؟؟؟؟ كل هاي الاسئلة و رغبة الموت كانت براسي و الموع عم تنزل ع وجهي و مش قادر اوقفها و صوتو و هو لسه عم يصرخ و يسب!!!!
رحت ع غرفتي و نمت بتختي و انا عم ابكي و احكي لربنا انو ان شاء الله بموت ....... بعد شي نص ساعة طلع البابا من غرفتو بعد ما خلص تلفونو مع !!! و طبعا كلمتو المعتاده انتو بطلتو تستحوا!!! و الماما كالعاده عشان تنهي الموقف بتعمل حالها انها داخت او شي هيك
طبعا انا بعرف انها مريضة و انو ظغطها عالي و ممكن ياثر عليها هيك موقف بس في اللحظة الماضية كل اللي كنت بفكر فيه انو و لا حد هون دمو من دمي و لا حد و اني جد غريب عنهم و لو اموت ما حد رح يزعل علي ...
نمت او ما نمت مش متذكر لانو كل ما اغفي بصحى و برجع ابكي ......... سمعت اخوي المحترم الكبير و هو بحكي لماما انو الحق عليها انها طلعتني مايص!!!! لهلا مش عارف الجملة المعترضة شو دخلها بالنص ع كل حال الصبح قمت من النوم غسلت وجهي و لبست و حطيت اغراضي بشنتي و طلعت من البيت ع التسعة و نص لما شافتني الماما صارت بدهاش اطلعني الا بعد الغدا طبعا هيك هيك كنت بدي اروح من البيت لانو اليوم دوام بس ما رضيت و تركت البيت و ان شاء الله بكون قد كلمتي و ما برجع الو هاي الويك اند
لانو جد شعور بوجع انو المكان اللي لازم تحس في انو هاد مكانك و بيتك يكون اكتر مكان بتحس فيه بالغربة
و الناس المفروض ترمي حالك بحضنهم و تشكيلهم همومك يكونوا اكتر ناس بظلموك و بعاد عنك :)

المهم انبارح المفروض اخوي الكبير يشرف و يلحقني ع عمان بس قرر انو يطلع اليوم الصبح
شعور مفرح انو البين انبارح كنت لحالي بالبيت بس بنفس الوقت شي بزهق تكون لحالك المهم رحت ع الانترنت
و انا بوخذ معي لاب توب الشركة المعفنة- اللي بدها تحلقلي بشهر ستة ما علينا- احسن ما قعد استنى جهاز
المهم انبارح لما فتت ع غرفة الوير لس ما كان في طاولات فاظطريت انو اقعد ع طاولة شب تاني مع بعض انا ما كنت حاب الفكرة اولها لانو ما رح اخد راحتي ...
بس بعدين انعجقت عجقة محترمة الشب كان كتير حلو :) و مش قادر اعرف اذا كان يتحركش و لا صدفة انتو احكولي خبط اجري مرتين من تحت الطاولة و بس صرت بدي اروح روح زي و وووووووووووووووووووو.................
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و بــــــــــــــــــــــس ما انغشني اكيد صدفة
هههههههههه
باي

فصح مجيد

وااااااااااااااااااو اجى يوم سبت النور اللي بيجي مباشرة ابل احد الفصح...

ع كل حال اجواء روتينية قاتلة هاي المرة و انا ع احر من الجمر ارجع ع عمان...

بالرغم انو انا بكره جد اكون بعمان و بس اكون هناك بصير بدي ارجع عبيتي...

جد صدء اللي ال احترنا يا قرعة منين نبوسك او شي زي هيك...

ع كل حال المرة هاي بكون اكتر شي جوزيف حقيقي لانو ما كبتت حالي زي دايما و ما كان هامني حد و لا حد من كل اللي كانوا بالصلاة اليوم

يا ززززززززززززززززززززززززلمة يحلو عن ط.... قال شو قديسين و محترمين ، ع بابا يا ماما بس بلاش....

المهم بالرغم انو هاي السنة ما صمت الصيام كامل وهيك بس حاس انو هاي اكتر سنة بكون صادق فيه مع الله

بس بيني و بينكو اليوم انعجقت لما اطلع في شب و شافني و انا بطلع عليه بس انا استحيت زي اللي عنجد و درت وجهي و حكيت لربنا بليزززززززززززززززززززززززززززززززززززززززززززززززززززززززز ابوس ايدك ساعدني اي ام سووووو تيرد

جد تعبت و مش عارف شو اعمل يا رب يعني اذا انا غلط و انا ع جهنم لشو انا عم صلي هلا

لشو انا هون يا رب ساعدني و ما تتركني اه و ما تنسى يا رب بليز عشان ما انكد هاد العيد بليززززززززززززززز طلب واحد و بس

رجع يحيى اليوم و ما تخلي يفل....

رجعت ع البيت و انا متضايق و حيران و مش عارف بس كل اللي بعرفو انو انا و ربنا مو زي اول يعني عم كون صريح معو و ما بدي اخبي اني زعلان منو لاني بخاف يسخطني اكتر لانو بصراحة انو خلص بدي حل....

عكل حال هي عشر دئايئ و كنت ع التلفزيون بحضر ستار اكاديمي و بحكي لربنا بليززززززززززززززززززززز ما تكسفني و رجع يحيى....

بعرف انو في ناس رح بتفكرني تافه و مبصراحة طززززززززززززززززززززززز اي جست دونت كيرررررر

المهم رجع يحيى 

و انا حكيت لربنا شكرا كتير و بليززززززززززز لو بدي اكترها عليك ما تخلي يطلع نومنية المرة الجاي بليززززززززززززززز...

المهم بس للتوضيح انا بحب يحيى لانو كتير اموررررررررررررر و تاني شي و اهم شي بحس انو مسكين و انو همو ينشهر و يصير مغني و انو هاد حلمو جد و انو لو طلع هلا من البرنامج رح يخسر حلمو، انا بعرف شو يعني يكون عندك حلم و يكون بدك تحققو

انا مش راضية تزبط معي بس خلص انا اصلا راحتعلي امو هو زغير 20 سنةو يا رب تكون معو و تحقق حلمو :)

خلص انا هلا نعسان بكرة بدي اروح ع الكنيسة الصبح و بعدها اروح احلق و بعدين نعمل بيض ملون و اشياء زاكية :)

كل عام و انا بخير 

ما احلاني و انا مهتم بحالي :)

المهم كل عام و الكل بخير بنشوفكم

تصبحو ع خير

اضحك للدنيا

اضحك للدنيا الدنيا بتضحكلك...
افففففففففففففففففففف مين بصدق هيك حكي ما الو طعم
على كل حال انا حكيت بعقلي يا ولد شو بتخسر اضحكلك نتفه...
جبت المرايه و بلشت اتبسم و لا يا ساتر طلعت حلو وانا بضحك روحت حبيت حالي لول!!!بمزح معكو ...
المهم جد انا ببتسم كتير بس اكتشفت انو كلها مجاملات و انا من الناس اللي رافضين تعميم فكرة انو الاردنيين ناس كشرين
فوين ما بشوف ناس برا البلد ببتسم و مرات بتبسم للحلوين اللي من البلد :)
انبارح عرفت انهم طوطولي على اولت غوار بمعنى تاني حلقولي من الدوام يعني صفيت صايع...
اتضايقت كتير و نكدت و زعلت لانو بامانه قعدت 2 و نص و انا ادور ع شغل ممكن يامنلي اجار بيت و موصلات و اكل لانو اصلا انا
مو من سكان العاصمة الابيــــــــــــــة عمــــــــــان ...
المهم اتفششت بكل اللي حواليو بحالي و اللي شافني انبارح و انا بحكي مع حال بالشارع بحكي يا حبيبي هاد اكيد مفصوم ع كا حال
بعد ما مشيت كتير و انا بحكي مع حالي اجت عيني بعين شب من الاخر ... طول و جسم من الاخر اتبسمتلو و مشيت و لقيت عمو ببيع ذرة و ترمس و فول المهم صرت افكر انو وين المشكله انا بشتغل هيك ما عم ببيعو عرنوس الذرة بديناااااااااااااااااااااار انتو متخيلين اديش بطلعواااااااااااااااااا...
اوبس وين صرت شكلني عكيت المهم، حبيب قلبي يحيى صويص نوميني صوتولو بليززززززززززززززززز يسلمي الحلو لما يحكي اربداوي و تسلملي العيون الخضرا ما احلاها ...........
اوبس لسه عم اعوك المهم استنتجت انو الدنيا بدها تمشي و عادي شو بايدي اعمل و انا عم اشتغل الشهر الجاي ربنا كريم ممكن يبعتلي احسن منو و لا انتو شو رايكو ليكون لازم اكتئاب و احاول انتحر؟؟؟؟؟؟؟؟؟؟

اسف انا

بالرغم من اني كنت على ثقة باني استطيع ان اعبر عن نفسي بكلمات تقص لكم بعض من فصول حياتي الا انه يبدو ان قلمي قد جف و كلماتي قد نبضت و فكري ما هو هو الا طبل اجوف.

يقولون انه من غير الممكن ان تصلح شي قد انكسر ...

لم أوؤمن ان تلك المقولة صحيحة و قد اعتبرها قمة في التشاؤوم فكثيراما أخطأت وأصلحت بعض الاخطاء... الا انه اليوم بعد أن نظرت الى حطام نفسي لم أستطع أ ن اتخيل مقدار التشوه و الخراب و الحطام التي سببته لنفسي...

نعم فأنا من سمحت لمجتمع متخلف يهتم بي من الخارج و ابدا لا يكترث لشخصي من الداخل أن يحكمني و يقيدني الى ان اصبحت فارغا بلا هوية بلا احلام بلا أنا..

.قطع من حياتي هنا و هناك نزفت حتى اخر قطرة ، اسف انا و اعلم ان الوقت أبى ان ينتظرني و انه من الغير الممكن ان ارمم ما بقي من ذلك الحطام ،فالسبي كبير و العدو أعتى من أن يحارب...
قيل لي ان سوداويتي ستبعد الجميع عني و ان الجميع يريد شخص مفعم بالحياه يحبها فتبادله الحب و يشاركها مع اصدقاء ،احباء و احيانا غرباء

اعتذر للجميع عن تلك النظرة ة اعتذر لاني لم استطيع ان ابتسم ، اعتذر للجميع فانا لا استطيع الا ان اكون ذلك الحطام ...
اعتذر من قلبي و بشدة لنفسي فقد خذلتها مرة اخرى ... ارجو ان تغفري فليس بيدي ان البعض قد حكم عليهم ان لا يكونوا ابدا...

مقدمة

مرحبا
لا أدري ان كنت سأستمر لانني اجبن من ان اقوم بنشر تفاصيل حياتي خشية ان يكتشفني احد لكن و على الاقل يوجد داخلي رغبة قوية باخراج كل ما هو سيء و شرير و نجس من داخلي لعلي سانعم بحياة طبيعية

انا انسان او بقايا انسان لا يهم
لكني ابدا لن اعرف عن نفسي بميولي الجنسية
انا جوزيف

انا لست كاتبا او اديبا او قاص لكن انا فرد من خليقة الله "الانســــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــان" و ساحاول ان اعبر عن ما يجول بداخلي الفارغ هنا لعلي اشعر بحـــــــــــــب لطالما بحثت عنه