I HATE him/her for!!!

I really am not a people person!!! they're so fucking annoying & I don't like them but my stupid one only friend that I keep hanging out with for some reason said that I am gonna end up alone since he's leaving in couple of weeks, so I decided to make a list of people I do hate along with the reason/s I do hate them for so let's go:

My Father :

he's cheating on my mom and he knows that we know,but he's acting like he's doing nothing and since he's supporting us we have to suck it up!!!

My Mom :

The weakest person I've known, thinking that because she accepted the way that my father treated/ still treating her is the best to keep the family from falling apart!!! so I hate her for that!

My eldest bro :

well, that's kinda need a brief explanation before, I do live with him the Amman, since we both do work there & our family not!

I hate him cause he's a fucking mess, he never cleans, cooks, or acts like a human, I really hate living with him!

My ex-best girl friend :

bitch! I am not the one who's supposed to call all the time to beg you to see your majesty, so JimJim no longer wants you in his life!!!

My stupid uncle's family :

I hate you for using me as your private free slave, thank God I left your fucking house!

My old friend from school :

you never call back when you do promise to! I'm sick of giving you another chance,sorry you lost your last one yesterday!!!

Amman:

you have managed to acquire all the bastards in you, so Congrats, you win the award for most place in earth I hate to live in!

MySelf :

there's no one I do hate more than you, you hate your mom weakness but you are more chicken then she is! I hate you when you do feel guilty for hating people for silly reasons. I hate you when you promise yourself that you are not cleaning or cooking for your brother till he changes, then you fail keeping that word for more than 10 mins, I hate you cause you always treated yourself badly & you still do, I hate you cause you never liked yourself, I hate you cause you wasted the best years of your life caring for everyone but your self, I hate these tears you are holding now!!!

I hate that you have no shows to hope for, no plans for well...ever, no crush so that you look forward to seeing or talking to! I hate that you quit the gym!!!

I hate you cause you are the worst that happened to me!!!

!!!

I love being myself but what I can do when the world around me is not accepting me?

I am God's creature and with what I used to believe in, that he did create us perfectly the same Image of him!!!

who the hell are you to judge the way I look, I walk or I talk!!!

why people can't mind their own fucking business and not commenting, woow apparently I'm asking too much!!!

but hey ya! my voice is from him, I do accept it no matter how many times you'll call me MISS!!!

LoOoOosT

What I am Supposed to do?

I have been questionin the whole thing for such a long time & Now I'm just tired

I don't know if I am right or wrong, Actually I couldn't care less now!!!

All I want is Peace of mind...

Everyone in this life faces alot of issues which makes him/her the person who is!!!

But this is way tougher & more complicated, messier & much more fucked up...

In addtion to all we have to face, we have to face with our emotions, double lifes

we have & GOD!!!

I have spent alot of time trying to be good, trying to change but I alway failed

and everytime I hated myself more & more for being a sinner & to think in this way

I have tried to change myself, pushin' what i feel deep down thinkin' some day

they are gonna vanshied but suprise suprise, They are not & now I'm a miserable guy

who knows nth about gay life...

Going out & meeting some great guy s was the most amazin' thing that could ever happen

to me, I know have some gay friends, but the problem is they are far away in this road, I just

can't jump, the gap is huge.

You have no idea how closed, miserable I was , well now I am out , miserable guy...

I just don't know what I am writin' I just feel like i belong to no where & no one is really

there to raise the hell of me up!!!

Message Received

I don't know how to start, so I guess I am gonna get into chase directly.

well , Recently I have been dating someone, we found each other through manjam, i liked his profile he has written an impressive introduction, his profile has no pictures , though

I got so attracted to know him more.

I sent him my email & the chat begins, we chatted alot to a point i felt like i know him & I am so into his mind, he seemed so amature & honest.

At some day he asked for a meeting & to those who doesn't know me very well , I am all new into this I mean dating thing , I was refusing being gay & it's a bit complicated & I am thinkin to start writin about it in future, but now back to the that guy ...

I didn't feel it's wrong , even he is in another town, the time we spent chattin, sms, calling each other ws too long & It seemed like I know this person we talked alot , we opened cams , he said he's into me , he txt me saying I miss u , he wanted a comtiment , anyway, when we met he invited me after the walk we did to his place, i said yes since the plan was to sleep in his place , I know what do you think guys, I swear to god that I have nth in mind, since we didnt talked about sex at all, when we got home we sit down , talked have some pepsi then , wait read the next two lines :

(just a note: I am not an angel but I didn't try the hard sex saving myself to my mate, so all I did was oral sex but a month ago i did it once with someone just to remove the tension ...)

he got closer to me,i didn't refuse since i was into him & i thought he is so... so we did it we did the whole thing & i was happy I am doing it with someone i do really like, there was some signs makes me feel uncomfortable but i ignored it just the idea I am with someone he said he loved me is great , I thought I am so paranoied but when the guy you are with doesn't kiss you, it's so clear, I was so an idiot to believe him & let him touch me...

It was so pathtic to let my messed feelings & low self-esteem conivenced me to do it even when i felt ,all what he want is to screw me...

anyways after that he told me that his friends are coming next day in the early mornin so he's so sorry , I couldn't sleep over that night, but next time it would be ok...

I was so shocked & tried as much as i could to act cool, I didn't want him to see me crying , so i put myself together & left thinking again not to be so paranoied ...

I sent him a sms to thank him for the good time we shared even it was not good for me , since he didn't kiss me or touch me , the only thing he did was the hard part, but I was like I wanna try to let him like me ...

from that day & i am tryin to call , chat or sms & i failed , till he unfriended me from his manjam account after he added me so finally I have got the message!!!

well after that I got down & depressed thinking what's wrong i had done to be treated this way & i found nothing not because I am an angel but i really was so honest with him but he lied & dumped me like nth...

Anyway please be careful guys & dont be fooled by sweet words , there is alot of assholes out there...

Is it suppose to b this hard?

hey guys,

Wish everything is good with you :)

recently i have started datin , which is by the way the most difficult thing i have ever done!!!

It's so complicated & tough, not easy for me & I don't think it would be ever, it's so different when u r talkin to someone through msn , manjam, phone or what ever than meeting him in person,

the fact that you dont know this person & having no clue what might annoy,diturb or freak him out, that fear ties you & surronds you in a very narrow corner & makes you uncomfortable.

Well , right now I am in a mess & the road is not so clear but I am already there & no coming back is allowed but it's the hope that makes me keep going , yes I do believe there is someone I will share with him my life to come, someone will hold my hand , give me a goodnight kiss & someone around him the bEst of me is coming out , someone I will put his needs before mine, someone I will look in his eyes & see Myself there.

No matter how much time it will take , it's gonna happen when it's meant to be, I know I will be down sometimes & already I am since it's so hard , but it's possible ;)

I do no judgments to those who do causal fun , but I don't feel that way, call me a hopless romantic guy, but that's me & I would never change this side of me.

I enjoy simple things like a hug , rose , smile , soft unexpected kiss, these things are too important to me ... but what if I was just asking too much?

please guys tell me what do you think, honestly?!!!

Well , sorry for being late :)

Well, I have to admit it. I am changing … I am in the way of getting outside the box & knowing the real world, there is a lot of beauty to enjoy, yet you can’t recognize it until you see the bad view

I’m freaked but frankly I can’t take a step back & to be honest with myself , If I could I wouldn’t !!!

Okay I’m not totally comfortable with the me inside & I won’t never but that won’t hold me back since I finally realized that the problems I faced in the past & being weak has nothing to do with begin GAy

I have convinced myself that’s I could move mountains & walk on stormy seas just If I am straight

Well, I finally after years from being silly & naïve I faced every single fear deep inside & met the first gay he has the same role that I have so I hadn’t to deal with fear of being rapped!!! I really wondered if there are such a guy like him in the world , he is so Gentle , caring , humble , funny … confident and Angel…

He bought coffee & then drove his car , pulled it out in the side of the road & start talking, Well he did the most of talking part & most I did was listening , being shy is one reason why I was on the silent mode most of the time but the real reason is I really have nothing to talk about, my life revolves about my family & god which is not the right subject to talk about when you met someone for the first time!!!

Well, there was a guy-different one-, those who I classified them as out of my scope but he was interested in meeting I tried to delay it & seeking any excuse just not to meet, since I knew from the first time we chatted that’s I had no chance , but I did it anyway, well he called me saying that he has like an hour in his busy schedule I didn’t mind meeting him, I went to where we was supposed to meet, sitting there looking at the people around me & my heart’s beatings was like it’s going to explode he showed up late about 30 minutes and thanks god for that! I was boring like usual has nothing to say like always the date Ended up in like 20 minutes, the real problem I have with him, that he was 24/7 online on his msn but not anymore!!! It would be hurt if he told me that if we didn’t match he would do so but what I can’t understand is telling people that even the physical attraction didn’t work, I would love to be your friend!!! Don’t do tell people that until you mean the fuck of it, for the sake of your humanity!!!

Well the last of my semi-dates J , I was chatting with the smartest guy ever, he charmed me with his voice & his way of thinking & that confident he has Wooooow me way more than I could imagine, anyway he called me to see each other, it was a bit late & he said if its late we can arranged it another day & I hope that I said yes , it’s too late. I would have the Possibility that he might like me, but unfortunately he didn’t! I can’t fool myself I had a crush on him, not physically because he’s not my type but there was something in him that would charm anyone, his aura is incredible!

Well, that’s a summary of my first attempts to enter the dating world but it didn’t seem that it worked very well & honestly it hurts me & making me wonder will it work someday or that gut deep inside which keep telling me you can’t do it, would be right?

Find nothing to say but this song!!!

Desperate, desperateYou're reaching out

And no one hears you cry

You're freaking out again

'Cause all your fears

Remind you

another dream has come undone

You feel so small and lost like you're the only one

You wanna scream 'cause you're

Desperate

You want somebody, just anybody To lay their hands on your soul tonight

You want a reason to keep believin'

That someday you're gonna see the light

You're in the dark

There's no one left to call

And sleep's your only friend but even sleep Can't hide you from all those tears

And all the pain and all the days You wasted pushin' them awayIt's your life, it's time you face it You want somebody, just anybodyTo lay their hands to your soul tonight

You want a reason to keep believin'

That someday you're gonna see the light

'Cause you're desperate; desperate 'Cause you're desperate;

and now You know that things have gotta change You can't go back you'll find your way And day by day You start to come alive

You want somebody, just anybody To bring some peace on your soul tonight

You want a reason to keep believin'

That someday you're gonna see the lightYou want somebody, just anybody

To lay their hands on your soul tonight

You want a reason to keep believin'

That someday you're gonna see the light'Cause you're desperate, desperate'Cause you're desperate, tonight Oh desperate, so desperate Tonight, tonight Desperate, desperate ....